Love and Money
by Cress
Summary: Joey:Chandler slash. For Olivia, who requested a plot from TOW Five Steaks and an Eggplant.
1. After a Blowfish Gave Monica a Hickey

[This story takes place the day after Ross, Chandler, and Monica celebrated Ross's birthday by going to the Hootie and the Blowfish concert. At this time Ross is still dating Julie, who is away in New Mexico, and Chandler has already slept with Jade.  
  
Thanks for the inspiration, Livvey, because this story came to me pretty quickly.]  
  
-  
  
-  
  
In Central Perk, the six friends were arguing about money once again.  
  
Chandler said to Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel, "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it."  
  
"And we don't work hard?" Joey asked.  
  
Chandler said, "I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more."  
  
"And you feel like we hold you back," Joey filled in for him.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey all gasped and looked deeply offended, so Chandler quickly changed his answer to "No."  
  
The bickering became loud now, but Monica had to shush them all because she was still on the phone to the restaurant where she worked.  
  
"Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back! I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right." She hung up despondently. "I just got fired."  
  
"Oh!" Everyone finally dropped their petty dispute, and they all went over to hug and comfort Monica. Friendship really was more important than money.  
  
The waitress came back with Monica's bill. "That'll be $4.12."  
  
Joey offered, "Let me get that." But he whispered to Chandler, "You got five bucks?"  
  
Chandler nodded and paid the bill for him for Monica.  
  
After that stunning bad news, everyone went upstairs to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica realized that she would have to start looking for another job, so they all worked on her resume and discussed how to explain to interviewers why she got fired, but put a more positive spin on it. They also stayed in for dinner, since two-thirds of the group needed to save money now.  
  
Then Joey and Chandler went home to their apartment and got some beers out of the fridge.  
  
Joey said, "Hey, Chandler. Look, I'm sorry about us fighting and everything."  
  
"I'm sorry too, Joe." They hugged each other for a moment, then went into the living room to sit down on the couch.  
  
"So you think Monica's gonna be all right?"  
  
"Yeah. She'll probably get a new job soon, and she can always do some catering thing. Hey, maybe that Stevie Fisher guy who introduced us to Hootie and the Blowfish might let Monica cater some party for the band. Wouldn't that be cool?"  
  
Joey shrugged and pouted a little.  
  
"Come on," Chandler said, "maybe the rest of us can get invited too, then you guys can all meet the band too."  
  
"Nah, you already ruined it by going to that concert and party without us. We don't want your charity."  
  
Chandler couldn't understand his attitude. "I don't get you, Joey. We're just trying to be nice to you guys, and you throw it in our faces. Besides, you never mind me paying for your rent and your food and your beer."  
  
Joey got mad. "Chandler, that's different! I can't help it if I don't get enough acting jobs to pay for all that stuff. But I work as hard as I can, and I even take all those dumb jobs at the mall or at that fertility study just so I can get a little cash. And what did I do with that money, huh? I paid you back like I said I would!"  
  
"I'm sorry." Chandler realized that he had hit a sore point.  
  
Joey slumped back on the couch and pouted. "I mean, what do you want me to do, huh? Go back to my dad and work in the family pipe-fitting business?"  
  
"No, no! Of course not!" He put down his beer and hugged Joey again. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to give up your dream, Joe. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."  
  
Joey hugged him back and apologized too. "It's okay. I know I owe you a lot of money, Chandler, and you're always taking care of me. That's nice of you. But I kinda get sick of it sometimes, and when the gang keeps going out to all these expensive places, it just reminds me of how I can't afford all this stuff. Phoebe and Rachel can't take it on their budgets, either."  
  
"Okay, I guess I understand. So what do you want us to do, Joe? If buying you guys tickets to the concert was the wrong thing, then what's the right thing?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe not go to fancy restaurants so many times. If we have to celebrate something, can't we just stay in and order some pizzas or something? Or maybe have a barbecue, like at Rachel's birthday party. And we could do more stuff that doesn't cost anything, like going to the park or maybe Rachel's sister's cabin. I mean, I know you guys want to do pricey stuff sometimes, but if some of us can't afford it, can we discuss it and suggest something cheaper instead? Is that okay?"  
  
Chandler nodded. "Sure. That sounds okay, Joe. Besides, that fancy dinner we all had the other night wasn't so great. I don't like snooty waiters who sneeze into my food. We can talk to all the gang about it tomorrow."  
  
"Great." Joey hugged him close again and kissed his cheek affectionately.  
  
Chandler laughed and pulled away. "You've had one too many beers, I think."  
  
Joey chuckled and hit his shoulder playfully. "Come on, I'm Italian. You don't kiss friends?"  
  
"Not male friends."  
  
"I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like I kissed you on the lips, like I did at the New Year's."  
  
Chandler blushed at that memory and scooted away on the couch. "I was totally not expecting that."  
  
"Me neither. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, and you were all jumping up and down and saying 'Somebody kiss me!' so I did it to shut you up."  
  
Chandler coughed. "Yeah, you sure did."  
  
Joey considered teasing Chandler further, but then the oven timer dinged, and they automatically cried, "*Baywatch*!" Joey turned on the TV, and they settled back for another enjoyable night.  
  
"Ooh," Chandler said. "Here's something great that doesn't cost anything. Run, Yasmine, Run!"  
  
Joey laughed and drank his beer.  
  
***  
  
The next day, the whole gang settled their dispute about money, and Carol and Susan dropped off Ben for the weekend.  
  
"By the way, happy late birthday, Ross." Carol hugged him and handed him a gift.  
  
"Wow, thanks," Ross smiled and opened the box.  
  
"It's from both of us," Carol said, squeezing Susan's hand.  
  
"Oh it is?" Ross pulled out a mug that read "Number One Dad" and had a photo of Ross holding Ben on the other side. "Oh, it's great! Thank you." He kissed both their cheeks, and found to his surprise that he was beginning to like Susan, and the old animosity was at last receding. Maybe that was because he was so happy with Julie now.  
  
Later that day, because Ross had an allergic reaction to kiwi, Monica had to take him to the hospital. Joey said that he and Chandler would take care of Ben for the afternoon. Chandler wasn't so enthusiastic about being volunteered for this task, but Joey convinced him that it would be fun. Plus, they could take Ben around town and pick up hot chicks.  
  
So they packed up Ben and lots of baby stuff, then went out walking on the streets. "It's gonna be worth it," Joey told Chandler. "It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing."  
  
Unfortunately, when they showed off Ben to a red-haired woman, she assumed that Joey and Chandler were a gay couple with an adopted child.  
  
Chandler quickly protested and told her the truth, but after that encounter, he remained annoyed. "That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out!"  
  
But on their way home, they met some hot women on the bus and tried to pick them up, but they accidentally left Ben behind on the bus. After much chasing, panicking, and confusion, the guys finally tracked down Ben through the Transit Authority and went to retrieve him.  
  
"Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on the bus. Is he here? Is he here?"  
  
The man at the desk said, "He's here."  
  
Chandler and Joey hugged each other in relief.  
  
"I'm assuming one of you is the father."  
  
Both Chandler and Joey accidentally claimed to be the father at the same time.  
  
The man looked at them with confusion, and perhaps suspicion that these guys weren't who they said they were.  
  
Chandler remembered the redhead's mistake earlier and said, "Actually, uh, we're both the father." He put his arm around Joey's shoulder to suggest that they were a gay couple.  
  
Luckily, Joey caught on to what Chandler was doing, and he leaned closer to Chandler, touching his hand and rubbing their heads together.  
  
The man believed them and soon pointed them to the room where they could go pick up Ben. Unfortunately, Joey and Chandler weren't the only ones to leave a baby behind that day, because there were two cribs, and two babies.  
  
Joey and Chandler didn't know which one was Ben, and they couldn't remember what clothes Ben was wearing, ducks or clowns. They decided to flip a coin for it, but this led them to an argument.  
  
"What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday party?" Chandler said in disbelief.  
  
Just then, the man from the front desk came into the room, wondering what was taking them so long to get their baby. "Is something wrong?"  
  
Chandler jumped in panic and wasn't sure what to do. Joey impulsively pulled him close and kissed him on the lips, as if to reinforce the idea that they were gay.  
  
Chandler was stunned and speechless.  
  
Joey said to the man, "Uh, sorry. We were just... so relieved to get our baby back, you know?"  
  
"Okay. Well, can you please hurry and get your baby now? I'm almost on my break and you guys have to fill out some paperwork before I can sign the baby over to you."  
  
Now Joey wasn't sure what to do, as they still didn't know which baby was Ben, and he couldn't remember now how the coin toss had gone.  
  
Chandler thought of something, though. "Oh, yeah, but we were wondering where the carseat is. Ben was still strapped into his carseat when we left him behind on the bus."  
  
"Oh, that," The man said. "The white plastic one with the handle, that fits onto a stroller?"  
  
Joey nodded, recognizing that description.  
  
"Um, let's see." The man came over to the right-hand crib and pointed beside it on the floor. "Yeah, we put it over here, when we put him in the crib."  
  
"Oh, thank you!" Joey and Chandler were quite happy now and fairly certain that Ben was in that right-hand crib, so they took him out of it and put strapped him into the carseat, which they then placed into the baby stroller that they had brought with them.  
  
Then they went with the man back to the desk to fill out the paperwork. They went home at last and kept an eye on Ben the whole way back to Monica's apartment. There was an anxious moment, though, because Ben didn't immediately cry when Monica held him. Had they been wrong after all in their assumption that Ben was in the right-hand crib? Maybe more than one baby had a white plastic carseat?  
  
But then Ben started to cry, and all was well. Ross took hold of Ben, then noticed something stamped on his diaper. "How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?"  
  
Uh-oh. Chandler stammered nervously, "You--you are gonna love this."  
  
Ross handed Ben back to Monica and came at them threateningly.  
  
Chandler grabbed the kiwi lime pie and held it up. "Stay back. I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, run!"  
  
Joey ran back to their apartment and was grateful that Chandler had sacrificed himself for Joey's sake. 


	2. Guess Who Gets a Hickey

Chandler tried to back out of the door with the kiwi pie as a shield, but both Ross and Monica prevented him from escaping, so Chandler was forced to explain the whole story about leaving Ben on the bus.  
  
The Geller siblings were naturally both mad about this, and Monica took a hard look at the baby, wondering if it was really Ben. Ross checked for some little birthmark that he knew about and confirmed that it was indeed Ben. "You're lucky you didn't bring back the wrong baby!" he threatened.  
  
Chandler shrugged and mumbled, "You're lucky we didn't go with the coin toss."  
  
"What?!"  
  
Chandler realized that he hadn't mentioned that part. "Nothing."  
  
They got the whole truth out of him, then Ross went to yell at Joey for his part in the business. "Taking Ben out to pick up hot chicks? Leaving him on a bus? Using a coin toss to choose between the babies?"  
  
Joey sheepishly apologized and said he would never do it again.  
  
"You're darn right! You're never going to babysit Ben again."  
  
Joey said in his own defense, "But I've taken care of hundreds of kids. This never happened before. Just call any one of my seven sisters, or the ladies from the church in my old neighborhood in Queens."  
  
Ross were still quite angry, but Ben was crying again because he didn't like Monica holding him, so Ross had to go back and comfort his son. Then Phoebe and Rachel arrived, and the Monica started to explain what had happened today.  
  
Chandler took this opportunity to slip back to his apartment and lock the door. He sighed with relief.  
  
Joey touched his shoulder and made him jump. "Sorry. You okay?"  
  
Chandler turned around to him and nodded.  
  
Joey said, "Thanks for saving me with the kiwi there."  
  
"That's okay. I was gonna try to escape too, but I was too slow."  
  
Joey hugged him to show his appreciation. "Hey, you wanna beer now?"  
  
"Sure." He started to get one, but Joey stopped him and said he should go sit down and put his feet up.  
  
"Relax. I'll get it for you."  
  
Chandler smiled in surprise. "Okay." He went to sit down and turn on the TV, flipping through the channels to find something to watch until it it was time for *Baywatch*."  
  
Joey filled a cooler with ice and several beers, then put it within reach of the couch. He opened one bottle and handed it to Chandler.  
  
"Thanks, Joe."  
  
"You're welcome. Hey, I'm gonna cook something for dinner. Do you want some spaghetti with meatballs?"  
  
"Oh, you're gonna cook tonight? You don't wanna just order a pizza or something?"  
  
"No, I'm trying to save some money, you know, and I don't want you to have to pay for me again."  
  
"You know I don't mind--"  
  
"Chandler."  
  
"Oh. Sorry." He remembered the whole fight about money. "Okay, spaghetti's fine with me."  
  
"Okay." Joey went back to the kitchen and got out the necessary pots and ingredients.  
  
Chandler asked, "When did you go shopping, Joe?"  
  
"I didn't. This morning, before the whole baby thing, I went to my folks' house and told my mom that I was getting sick of the fast food junk, so she gave me some leftovers and stuff so I could enjoy some home cooking. I got these groceries, plus a lasagna in the freezer."  
  
"Oh, cool!"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
So Joey cooked dinner, and they ate at the foosball table. Chandler had to admit that a home cooked meal did taste great, and Joey got lots of marinara sauce all over his face. Chandler laughed and teased him about it before he wiped it off with a napkin.  
  
Then *Baywatch* came on, and Chandler eagerly returned to the couch. "Joe, come on, hurry."  
  
"I gotta wash these dishes first," he said from the kitchen.  
  
"No, leave those! Come on."  
  
Joey decided to just leave the pots and dishes soaking, then he joined Chandler on the couch.  
  
"Good," Chandler put an arm around him.  
  
Joey smiled and grabbed two more beers from the cooler. They watched TV and drank beer for a few relaxing hours until they were pretty sleepy.  
  
Closing his eyes, Chandler leaned his head against Joey's shoulder and started to drift off. Joey smiled and tousled his hair fondly. Then he started to get up from the couch and put a pillow in place to support Chandler's head.  
  
But all this shifting around woke up Chandler, who yawned and asked Joey where he was going.  
  
"I gotta wash those dishes."  
  
"No, stay!" Chandler pulled him back down on the couch. "What are you, a woman?"  
  
Joey shook his head and chuckled. "Nope. What, you never had to wash the dishes before?"  
  
Chandler answered, "Not when there was a maid or houseboy to do it. How come your seven sisters didn't do all that stuff for you?"  
  
"Same reason why I know how to cook. My mom wouldn't let me grow up without learning how to take care of myself."  
  
"Well, never mind about the dishes now. Maybe we can get Monica to do 'em tomorrow. She likes cleaning."  
  
"But she'll probably still be mad at us about Ben."  
  
"Oh, right," Chandler said.  
  
Joey put his arm around Chandler again, and Chandler hugged him tight, seeming a little drunk. "You okay?"  
  
Chandler sighed and put his head on Joey's shoulder again. "Thanks for dinner."  
  
"You're welcome." Joey smiled, feeling good that he hadn't sponged off Chandler tonight. He had sponged off his mom, sure, but at least he didn't owe Chandler more money.  
  
"Hey, remember today, when that lady thought we were gay?"  
  
"Yeah. Sorry about that."  
  
"And then," Chandler continued, "we pretended to be gay to that guy at Human Services."  
  
"Yeah," Joey nodded and absently ran his fingers through Chandler's hair again.  
  
"And then--then you kissed me again."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You wanna... you wanna...?"  
  
"What?" he turned to face Chandler.  
  
Chandler grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him.  
  
Joey blinked and was quite surprised. Chandler leaned closer and slid his tongue past Joey's lips. Joey liked that and he closed his eyes, running his fingers through Chandler's hair.  
  
The roommates kept kissing and necking on the couch. They both tasted beer and marinara sauce on each other's breath, and they sank back against the cushions together. Joey sighed and tried to loosen Chandler's shirt, but he stopped and moaned as he felt Chandler starting to suck on his neck. "Chandler." Joey was very turned on, and he enjoyed everything that Chandler was doing to him.  
  
After more groping and making out, they finally got off the couch and headed into the nearest bedroom, dropping clothes along the way.  
  
Chandler was a little nervous because the last time he had sex, it was with Jade, who described their encounter as "eh" and "awkward and bumpy," but Joey was great at easing his anxiety. He curiously played with Chandler's third nipple and drove him wild with desire. Apparently, stuff did happen when you flicked it.  
  
"R-r-remember what happened in your porno movie, Joe?" he spoke breathlessly. "Remember the, the typing test--oh!"  
  
Joey did remember how the gang (minus Phoebe and plus Julie) had recently watched the porn movie in which he had played a copier repair man who watched people having sex on the copier. Chandler had called the beginning of the movie, "the craziest typing test I've ever seen."  
  
"Oh, you want a job too, do ya?" Joey started to do what the woman had done to the man in the porn film, though it took some fumbling and practice for him to get the hang of it.  
  
Chandler encouraged Joey with moans and caresses, and when his turn was over, Chandler returned the favor to Joey. So they spent a hot, sweaty, and wonderful night in each other's arms, and Chandler fell asleep thinking that it was not an "eh" night at all. Maybe he should stick to guys from now on. Maybe he should stick to Joey.  
  
Joey kissed him again and still forgot all about washing those dishes.  
  
The End  
  
[P.S. Maybe Monica takes Chandler's suggestion about going to Stevie Fisher for a catering job, and after a while she falls in love with Stevie, or the Blowfish who gave her a hickey, or one of the lawyers in Stevie Fisher's firm. Then she gets married and has babies and is happy.] 


End file.
